it's been a while but i haven't felt like writing much. friday, colby showed up here for valentine's day and it was a mess. he made a "joke" but i didn't find it really funny so i left and didn't see him the rest of the time he was here. in retrospect, i believe he was joking and that i overreacted but in the moment, i was pretty pissed. i wanted more than anything for him to be there so for him to say something like that really hurt me for the time being. i also think that i may have snapped at any comment because as much as i wanted to see him, i was overwhelmed that he was there and when i saw him i felt paniced because i didn't know what was going to happen. i knew we were going to have to talk about a lot and i knew that i wanted to lay it all out there, tell him how i really feel and give him a sincere apology for the first time. i also needed to hear where he was coming from with things. instead, after i walked away from him friday night, he called me and i talked to him; told him that he and i should have never gotten together and that it was the biggest mistake of my life because it has only left me hurt numerous times and neither of us were ready for the relationship and the distance that went along with it. i told him that i felt like he "ruined" me and that i would never be able to have a successful relationship because i'm "ruined" from what happened.

in all honestly, i don't believe a word i said ha. i think, to a point, it may have been right person, wrong time but i still believe he is that "right" person for me and when i listen to my heart it says, that's all i need to make it work with him but when i listen to my head and think about everything, i think that too much has happened, too many things have gone wrong for me and him to have a good, solid relationship.

i talked to his sister last night about it all and she said that colby didn't believe a word i said to him on the phone and he knows that's my head talking and i told her that i do have that angry, bitter, cynical side to me that comes out from time to time so i think that's the place those words were coming from. she said that he understands that and still feels like i want to be with him but i'm still feeling guilty about what i did to him and feeling hurt about what he did to me this summer .. and all the other things and he's completely right, i am. she said that he said that he's willing to look past all of it, but still talk about it so we learn from it and get closer. i think it's amazing that his head is that clear and he can look at it like that and think it's that easy. for some reason, i can't. i guess i'm too worried about all the other things and i'm too afraid to break down my walls again to let him in. do i want to? yes, absolutely but it's hard and scarey and i know what i do when things get too hard, i just give up. i'm careful with my heart, my insecurities and my emotions; maybe to a fault.

she told me colby understands that because he mentioned that and i'm sure he does. he's always been more than understanding about that side of me and that i struggle with that so she asked me what else is stopping me because it seems to her all colby and i have to do to get through this is talk to each other open and honestly and take it slow. she asked me if it was school or work because colby thinks that would stop me from being with him and i took a second to gather all the ideas in my head and was able to respond 110% honestly with this and i don't think i'll ever forget i said this because it has put so much in to persepective for me ... "it's not school or work. that will all fall in to place. maybe this sounds conceited but i know i could get in to almost any school and get any job. i'm good at interviews and i have skills as it is now in a lot of things but with a degree, i could do even better. sometimes i'm not always sure what i want to do if i'd go back to school and sometimes i doubt if i'm good at anything but i know that i am good at things or i could be good at them if i really wanted to be because i'm a quick learner so do i stress about school and work? absolutely but i also know that with time, that all falls in to place so as much as i worry about it, i also don't worry about it just as much. do i want to be independently successful? of course. i think everyone wants to be self-fulfilled like that but there's always been one thing i've always wanted and that's love. i want to be able to have it, to hold it, be around it all the time and just be happy and colby is the one thing that's always made me happy. if we would get back together and i'd start school and he'd get traded, i used to think that would be a huge inconvenience and would mean i'd have to pick one over the other but it doesn't. if he gets traded, so what? that would be februrary or march, depending and there isn't much left in the season or school year after that so even if we were apart for a few months, that's not the end of the world. god knows we did it before. so, honestly, nothing is stopping me besides myself and it's so hard to be so afraid of the one thing you want more than anything."

she responded by saying that it doesn't sound like there's any reason we can't be together and she told me that she thinks i'm the kind of girl that focuses on the negative, like most girls do, and i need to take a night or a day or two and think about all the good and if i'm really willing to give that up. she also said, "just because he makes you happy and you've had good times, doesn't mean he's right for you but if you still can't get past the thought that there isn't anyone else out there for you, you need to pay attention to that." i completely agree and i have been thinking about it but it's almost like i don't need to think about it, if you know what i mean. she told me that she wants to see her little brother happy, but she also wants to see me happy no matter what that is because out of anyone any of her siblings have ever dated, she's always liked me the most and felt like i was the perfect fit for the family. i was really flattered by that.

so i really think it's up to me to get this ball rolling and i will. i'm going to take those few days to put everything in to perspective. i'm going to make a list of things that i feel colby and i need to talk about and go from there. it's not going to be easy but i'm definitely realizing that whoever said anything worthwhile in life isn't easy, was definitely right.

on to some funnier things [watch all of these, you'll laugh!]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wbT7dfo9uis     [mikey & big bob "in a snuggie"]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_TV91lrekc     [funny sidney crosby video]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLXVuy0h29c   [christian bale flips out]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70r-Ca8wcVg&feature=related   [christian bale/dentist mash-up]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gbz6-7c_7Hk&feature=related   [christian bale vs. bill o'reiley]

if you can't tell, i think the christian bale thing is hilarious. seriously, the best four minutes of audio i've ever heard.

on to some pensblogging: therrien got fired! i'm excited about this. something needed to happen and i feel like this was the right move. dan bylsma is the new coach and he's saying all the right things about how he wants them to play and the kind of system that's going to be put in to place. of course saying and doing are two totally different things but i feel like he has the right attitude to save the season. it's only been two consecutive seasons the pens have been in the playoffs but i can't imagine them not being in, especially after last year. i still can't believe they came within two wins of winning the cup; crazy, crazy. i feel like some trades might still happen but there's no doubt that sidney needs a good scroring winger and at this point, they need to do whatever they can to make sure that happens. all in all, i think good things are happening so we'll see.

i think that's about it for now but that was a lot as it was. peace out.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Malkin-s-solution-for-Penguins-woes-Sweet-glo;_ylt=Ami59qEVTtqDjcw4pSqSzIB7vLYF?urn=nhl,139574

the majority of this blog is going to be about the penguins because i just read this article and it's stirred up some thought. read the article first or none of this is going to make sense.

i love that malkin put up &1,000 to get the guys motivated. it's unconventional and creative but more importantly, it worked. would the guys care not getting that one grand in to the "team fund"; no, probably not. the money will come from somewhere else eventually but you know it was geno stepping up and doing something like that that lit the fire under their asses. geno doing that showed that he believed in them and wanted to see a change. it was a great move on his part. however, there is something about this article that stuck out to me even more than that and that was the comments. first of all, some of the comments were really dumb. no, geno or any of the players, do not carry around hundreds or thousands of dollars. what you put on the board as your "pay out" you bring in the cash or check for later. anyway, the other comments that stuck out to me were the ones about geno being the "c" soon and taking it away from sidney. i've heard this before, reading it now wasn't the first time but this was the first time that i ever agreed to any extent. sidney is still getting points, goals and assists alike. he's nowhere near as flashy as he used to be and probably will be again in the future but how glamorous he's playing isn't important; it's more important that he's putting points up and doing the little things to make plays happen and i can see that he still is but where did sidney crosby the leader go? granted, no one really knows for sure besides the players what is said and done in the locker room so it's completley possible that sid is doing things and saying things to get the guys motivated but that needs to be known. granted, he doesn't need to flaunt it but geno is getting a lot of recognization while sid is receiving a lot of criticism. if that continues on like that, it's possible that the penguins organization will feel pressure from the fans, the media, and the critics to give geno the "c" and leave sid with an "a". as much as either sid or geno would say that wouldn't cause a problem, it would. another part of me thinks that mario would never let that happen, but you never know. i think every pens fan wants to see more out of sidney when it comes to him visibly being a leader and i'm right there with everyone else.

so this got me thinking about why has the team suffered this season? two games in a row ... great, but it hasn't proved to be season-saving yet. has the leadership been a problem all season? maybe. it's hard to know what exactly the problem could be, i hate that i don't have my direct connection any more haha but there's been rumors, some comfirmed and some still lingering that a few of the players are unahppy with sidney. maybe that's why he's backed off and been a less vocal captian. like i said, it's hard to know and it's also hard to say that when he personally has still been playing well and putting points up.

it's easy to blame the coaching and i usually don't like to do that but it's obvious that therrien doesn't care and doesn't have a fraction of the passion that he did last year for this team. last year, after a bad game he'd be upset, criticizing and it wouldn't happen the next game. this year, he's responded with things like: "we'll wait it out" and has even used injuries as an excuse. injuries have been awful this year, but they were last year, too. this team didn't have their star forward or goalie at the same time last year and they still won consistently. therrien wouldn't have let it be an excuse this year so the fact that he is this year is mind boggling to me. if this team doesn't make the playoffs, therrien's job needs to be looked at very closely and reconsidered. i don't think it's going to change next season. i think he got the long term contract that he wanted and he's simply done putting the effort in.

trade deadline ... it's rapidly approaching in less than a month. last year, i still believe, there was no reason to make a really big move like they did. did hossa help in the playoffs? hell yeah. but could the team that was already established before the deadline do just as good of a job? absolutely. i know many, many, many people disagree with that and maybe it's because i'm biased toward that trade but i will always stick by that. this year, however, a big trade is needed but i also believe it won't happen. the penguins have the extra money to do it since they weren't able to sign malone or hossa that freed up a lot of money. the big rumor is the penguins are interested in kovalchuk. they would have to give up a lot for him but it may be worth it. kovalchuk is a good player, extremely streaky but i think that has a lot to do with the fact that he's in atlanta with no solid linemates that can play at his level. i think you stick him with sid or geno and he'd take off and explode for goals. he's a goal scorer and the pens need that. i'm thinking the pens would have to give up someone like staal or whitney to get kovalchuk or another player like him and as much as i like jordan and whit, "you gotta do what you gotta do." trading either of them would free up salary and as much as whit has done for the team, losing him wouldn't even seem like a big deal at this point. the pens have an overload of defensement and good, quality defensemen at that. letang has become just as good as an offensive defensemen as whitney and when gonchar comes back, they'll have him to fill that offensive role, too and work the points on the power play. goligoski is also another defensmen that has those offensive skills. four d-man that have that skills is too many. i guess you can never have too much of a good thing, but like i said, losing him wouldn't be that big of a deal with all of that awesome back-up talent.

i think that's all for my pens ranting and insight. take what you will from it.

so, last night i watched the pens game at primanti's with some people. it was fun even though i was clearly the outcast but strangly, i've gotten used to that recently. the yukon boys i was the outcast with and work people i was, too but eventually it's all kind of settled out and i've become "one of them." it was pretty sweet, though because i had two pieces of pizza and two beers and only spent like 8 dollars and that was with a tip.

today, i'm going to go see "he's just not that in to you." and i'm pretty excited about that. tomorrow = pens game! sweet. stanley cup final rematch. hopefully the pens can keep this little win streak going and it's perfect because detroit has been struggling recently. i think this game is coming at the perfect time, it'll really keep them motivated. lets hope so, at least.

i guess that's it for now. peace out.

movie love. i've read a few things about it today and how what we see in movies distorts the reality of what relationships really are and how they really work. my cousin and i have also discussed this. because of what romantic/romantic comedy movies tell us, we expect relationships to be easy; to be butterflies and fireworks all the time. we expect for it to be love at first sight and if we lose someone we love and miss out on the opportunity to be with them there's no need to worry because surely we'll run in to them months or years from now and they'll embrace us with open arms and tell us they too have missed us and thought about us all the time, right? makes sense? no, it doesn't make sense. this is unrealistic. this is movie love.

every successful relationship has a little bit of movie love to it like maybe your lover shows up to surprise you when you least expect it, says something that blows you away or they plan a romantic night for you but it's not like this 24/7 and these things don't happen all the time. most people don't find the love of their life on a getaway vacation or don't fall in love with their best friend's fiance and if they do, the fiance usually doesn't cancel the wedding to be with the best friend ... relationships have their fair share of drama; trust me, i probably know this more than anyone. the most unrealistic, blow your mind [both good and bad] can happen in relationships and i've been on the receiving end this but life is not a movie, your life is not a movie.

don't get me wrong, i believe in true love and soul mates. i believe in fate and that everything happens for a reason. i believe that there is one person out there for everyone but i'm sick of seeing my friends hurt and struggle over their own relationships because men aren't meeting these unrealistic expectations of what love really is. we all want the fairy tale with prince charming as the leading character, but you eventually have to take a step back and realize that they call it a fairy tale for a reason, it's not always so cut and dry. i hope i don't sound cynical, i know i can be but i don't mean to be because deep down i know i'm a hopeless romantic ... it's just something that i've given some thought to lately and had to put my own expectations in check.

as far as other things in life: i've landed a writing job for an online blog sort of thing. it doesn't pay much but with my other job, i don't need it to. it's writing about fashion and what's new with the company to update the website visitors. i figure it gets my foot in the door in the journalism world and gives me some experience. i love to write, obviously, but i never knew if i'd be good at it or if it's something i'd really want to do full time and i'm hoping this gives me some insight on to that so i can see if i want to persue it.

this week is turning out and should continue to be really fun. the steelers won the super bowl on sunday! it was a GREAT game. i usually don't get excited over football games, but this one had me on the edge of my feet. it's always exciting when a championship is possible in the city, but for it to happen again with the steelers is pretty neat. i'm guessing the pirates will take the world series this year and give us another championship ... haha, i'm kidding. the victory rally and parade are downtown today so i didn't have to work. my boss figured it wasn't even worth any of us trying to get in and out of here and with all the noise and distractions, there's no way we could get any amount of work done. plus, i think he wanted to go. tomorrow, friday, and sunday i'm going to the pens games. i'm especially excited for tomorrow's cause i'll get to see ryan malone play and sunday's because we play detroit! and i know the igloo is going to be crazy booing hossa. it should be a lot of fun. matt has been able to get these tickets through work and told me i could invite a friend to each game because work gives him three tickets. rach  is coming with us friday and sunday so that's exciting. me and her are going to go see "he's just not that in to you" saturday night. i hope it's as good as the previews make it out to be and the previews aren't the only good parts. i really hate when that happens with movies. besides that, i'm not up to much but that's a lot for one week so tonight should be my night to relax. i'll probably just watch the pens game after i go to the gym and i'm starving so i need to do something about that soon.

okay, so i met this guy jeff [no, not my boss]. he's a really nice guy. he's said a lot of sweet things and sent me a picture of tulips because i told him that was my favorite flower ... just really sweet gestures and he's very attentive almost to a fault. i say that because he gets in touch with me a lot, almost too much. he IMs me as soon as i get online and texts me if i'm not. i think he could probably be considered the "perfect on paper" kind of guy but even though he's perfect on paper something's just not right. honestly, it bothers me he's so readily available. i like the chase. the chase can get exhausting and down right annoying and confusing, but desperation is very unattractive to me. i want to know that a guy likes me because of me, not just because i'm the only girl that will talk to him and with jeff, i kind of think that's the case.

he's a smart guy; he's in a graduate program at pitt. he's a republican but i can look past that. i've realized that any man i've ever dated or had a relationship with was very republican in his views or at least leaned that way a bit. he's told me that he suffers with depression but i do too so i don't judge people by that at all. however, it does bother me that he has so easily talked about so much of his life with me. it's almost like too much too soon. he even said he feels like he's turning me in to another therapist because he rants so much about his depression and when he's feeling lonely. he's gotten upset with me the last few days because i didn't hang out with him and had plans with other people. so, it's not the depression that bothers me; it's how he handles the depression that bothers me. by no means do i handle mine well at times. i do feel lonely at times and have meltdowns but i don't act in an immature way about it like he does. every night is a bad night for him, every morning is a bad morning and the negative attitude bothers me. so okay, maybe he's not perfect on paper or maybe he was until i discovered all this but the hold up with this is that he really does want to go on a date and i'm not sure i want to. i feel like i should give him a chance. afterall, he's a nice enough guy that obviously likes me but if i already feel like i'm wasting my time should i really do it? ... any advice would be appreciated. i hate letting people down and rejecting them, it's the hardest thing to do for me is know i'm being mean to people. ugh, this is why i hate dating. "i dont like dating, i'd rather be married." - kendra's mom from the girls next door. i completely agree. someone should arrange a marriage for me ...

the march vacation is rapidly approaching. it's only a month away at this point. yes, we're still going. yes, i'm still nervous. yes, i still think it's going to make things worse. yes, i'd rather go to some secluded island far, far, far way from the man. but yes, i'm excited and i do have a little bit of hope ... i don't even know what i'm hoping for. i'm just hoping; simply hoping that it's not a disaster, that we  can reconnect, that i can find amazng seafood ... that i leave there hoping, no ... i want to leave there knowing that i have something to look forward to in the summer. *sigh* sometimes i really hate rach for making me do this. alright, i know, she's not dragging me by the hair on to the airplane and chances are she won't have to and i'll willingly go but her being armed with the knowledge that i don't do things unless i'm pushed has put me in quite the predicament with this. i'm sure it'll all make for a very interesting blog entry.

i think that may be just about it for today.